Little Priest, A (1979)
(wm) Stephen Sondheim. (I) Musical: Sweeney Todd by Len Cariou and Angela Lansbury.
Mrs. Lovett:
What are we going to do about the Eyetalian?
Todd: Later on, when it’s dark, we’ll take him out of the trunk and bury him.
Mrs. Lovett: Well, yes, of course, we could do that. I don’t suppose he’s got any relatives going to come poking around looking for him… (a chord of music)
Well, you know me. Bright ideas just pop into my head, and I keep thinking…
Seems a downright shame.
Todd: Shame?
Mrs. Lovett: Seems an awful waste.
Such a nice plump frame
Wot’s ’is name has... had... has... nor it can’t be traced.
Bus’ness needs a lift... Debts to be erased...
Think of it as thrift, as a gift...If you get my drift...
No? … Seems an awful waste.
I mean, with the price of meat what it is,
When you get it, if you get it...
Todd: Ha!
Mrs. Lovett: Good, you got it. Take, for instance,
Mrs. Mooney and her pie shop
Bus’ness never better, using only pussy cats and toast
And a pussy’s good for maybe six or seven at the most
And I’m sure they can’t compare as far as taste...

[Todd and Mrs. Lovett sing the next sections together]
Todd: Mrs. Lovett, what a charming notion,
Eminently practical and yet appropriate, as always,
Mrs. Lovett, how I’ve lived without you
All these years, I’ll never know!
How delectable! Also undetectable
How choice! How rare!

Mrs. Lovett: Well it does seem a waste...
Think about it! Lots of other gentlemen’ll
soon be coming for a shave. Won’t they?
Think of all them pies!

Todd: For what’s the sound of the world out there?
Mrs. Lovett: What, Mister Todd, What, Mister Todd,
What is that sound?
Todd: Those crunching noises pervading the air?
Mrs. Lovett: Yes, Mister Todd, Yes, Mister Todd,
Yes, all around...
Todd:It’s man devouring man, my dear,
Both: And who are we to deny it in here?
Todd: Ah, these are desperate times, Mrs. Lovett, and desperate measures must be taken.

Mrs. Lovett: Here we are now, hot out of the oven.
Todd: What is that?
Mrs. Lovett: It’s priest. Have a little priest.
Todd: Is it really good?
Mrs. Lovett: Sir, it’s too good, at least.
Then again they don’t commit sins of the flesh,
So it’s pretty fresh.
Todd: Awful lot of fat.
Mrs. Lovett: Only where it sat.
Todd: Haven’t you got poet or something like that?
Mrs. Lovett: No, you see the trouble with poet is,
How do you know it’s deceased? Try the priest.
Todd: Um. Heavenly. Not as hearty as bishop perhaps, but then not as bland as curate either.
Mrs. Lovett: Good for business too – always leaves you wanting more. Trouble is, we only get it on Sundays…
Lawyer’s rather nice.
Todd: If it’s for a price.
Mrs. Lovett: Order something else, though, to follow,
Since no one should swallow it twice.
Todd: Have you any dean?
Mrs. Lovett: No, but, if you’re British and loyal,
You might enjoy Royal Marine... Anyway, it’s clean...
Though, of course, it tastes of wherever it’s been...
Todd: Is that squire on the fire?
Mrs. Lovett: Mercy no, sir, look closer,
You’ll notice it’s grocer.
Todd: Looks thicker, more like vicar!
Mrs. Lovett: No, it has to be grocer – it’s green!
Todd: The history of the world, my love –
Mrs. Lovett: Save a lot of graves,
Do a lot of relatives favors!
Todd: Is those below serving those up above!
Mrs. Lovett: Ev’rybody shaves,
So there should be plenty of flavors!
Todd: How gratifying for once to know
Both: That those above will serve those down below!

Mrs. Lovett: Now let me see... We’ve got tinker.
Todd: Something... pinker.
Mrs. Lovett: Tailor?
Todd: Paler.
Mrs. Lovett: Butler?
Todd: Subtler.
Mrs. Lovett: Potter?
Todd: Hotter.
Mrs. Lovett: Locksmith?

Lovely bit of clerk.
Todd: Maybe for a lark.
Mrs. Lovett: Then again there’s sweep
if you want it cheap and you like it dark
Try the financier, peak of his career
Todd: That looks pretty rank
Mrs. Lovett: Well, he drank, it’s a bank cashier
Last one really sold, wasn’t quite so old.
Todd: Have you any Beadle?
Mrs. Lovett: Next week, so I’m told!
Beadle isn’t bad till you smell it and notice ’ow well it’s been greased... Stick to priest!

Now then, this might be a little bit stringy,
but then of course it’s... fiddle player
Todd: No, this isn’t fiddle player – it’s piccolo player
Mrs. Lovett: ’Ow can you tell?
Todd: It’s piping hot!
Mrs. Lovett: Then blow on it first
Todd: The history of the world, my sweet –
Mrs. Lovett: Oh, Mr. Todd, ooh, Mr. Todd,
What does it tell?
Todd: Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat!
Mrs. Lovett: And, Mr. Todd, too, Mr. Todd,
‘ho gets to sell!
Todd: But fortunately, it’s also clear
Both: That ev’rybody goes down well with beer!
Mrs. Lovett: Since marine doesn’t appeal to you, ’ow about rear admiral?
Todd: Too salty. I prefer a general.
Mrs. Lovett: With, or without his privates?
Todd: What is that?
Mrs. Lovett: It’s fop. Finest in the shop.
And we have some shepherd’s pie peppered with actual shepherd on top!
And I’ve just begun – Here’s the politician, so oily it’s served with a doily, Have one!
Todd: Put it on a bun.
Well, you never know if it’s going to run!
Mrs. Lovett: Try the friar, fried, it’s drier!
Todd: No, the clergy is really too coarse and too mealy!
Mrs. Lovett: Then actor, that’s compacter!
Todd: Yes, and always arrives overdone!
I’ll come again when you have Judge on the menu!

Todd: Have charity towards the world, my pet!
Mrs. Lovett: Yes, yes, I know, my love!
Todd: We’ll take the customers that we can get!
Mrs. Lovett: High-born and low, my love!
Todd: We’ll not discriminate great from small!
No, we’ll serve anyone, meaning anyone,
Both: And to anyone at all!